Tone: Mock legal seriousness
Suggested performers: Adults and young adults; any gender
Length: 207 words; approximately 75–105 seconds
Format: one speaker addressing a silent listener
Timing is a starting estimate, not a guaranteed audition length. Time your own delivery with pauses. This is an original standalone piece, not an extract from a published play.
The Sourdough Custody Hearing: full monologue
Please put the jar down. We agreed you could take the blender. We did not agree you could take a living member of this household in a box marked miscellaneous.
I know you bought the flour. I bought the jar. Without the jar, this would be a dispute about a wet shelf. We both contributed.
Who got up at seven to feed it? Me. Who moved it away from the window because the internet said it was getting a draft? Me. Who apologized to it after calling it glue? Also me, and I maintain that was a reasonable first impression.
You can't just say it prefers your kitchen. It hasn't seen your kitchen. It doesn't have eyes. Although, with the way it looked on Tuesday, I was beginning to wonder.
I have arranged my entire breakfast around this thing for three weeks. I don't even like sourdough that much. I liked us having something ridiculous to check on before work.
Could we split it? Two jars. Same starter. You take half, I keep half, and neither of us has to pretend to be mature about the toaster.
Good. Then you can still come over on Sundays to tell me whether mine is supposed to smell like that.
What is happening in this scene?
As a roommate moves out, two amateur bakers dispute who should keep their shared sourdough starter.
You are speaking to: Your departing roommate, who has packed the starter in a moving box.
You want: Keep the starter, and perhaps one daily connection to the person who is leaving.
The change to explore: You stop arguing ownership and admit how much effort you put into something you barely understand.
Acting choices to try
- What do you lose besides the jar if your roommate takes it?
- Which part of your argument makes you feel most foolish?
- When does splitting the starter become a way to preserve the friendship?
Rehearse with an empty jar rather than food. First protect it, then offer to share it. Let that physical change support the emotional turn without adding business to every line.
These are starting points. Try a different intention or pace, and let the response you imagine from your listener affect your next thought. You do not need to copy the recorded delivery.
Rehearse this comedic monologue free in CueRoom
Open the complete piece in CueRoom. Use Practice my lines to hide the words and recall each beat, or Listen to the recording to hear the prepared reading. Prompt plays the current beat when you need help; bookmarks let you return to a difficult transition.
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Prepare it for an audition or class
Check whether the brief permits original standalone material. Learn the shifts in thought as well as the wording, then time a full take at performance pace. If you need a shorter cut, make the cut before memorizing it; the free demo always rehearses the complete text above.
Use the monologue preparation plan for a short deadline, or try the recall exercises in How to Memorize Lines.
More comedic monologues to explore
- Please Don't Review the Cabin — The friend who booked a disastrous weekend cabin tries to stop an honest review from exposing their poor choice.
- My Five-Year Plan Has Tabs — A student arrives at a careers meeting with an elaborate folder that avoids the question of what they want.
- The Substitute Teacher Incident — an existing teen comedy from the library.
Browse comedic monologues → · Explore the complete monologue library →
Try a scene with two characters
A monologue gives you one character to rehearse. To hear CueRoom read a scene partner, try The Last Train. Choose Maya or Jules and let the recorded reader play the other role.
Explore this open-casting piece alongside named male characters in Monologues for Men, with playing-age guidance and contrasting rehearsal pairs.
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